I've been living in Mexico for the last month and a half...

I’ve been living in Mexico for the last month and a half. This crazy idea came to me last August when I lost my grandmother to Parkinson's. That’s the thing about me. I get these crazy ideas in my head and I actually follow through with them. I thought, “I have nothing to lose and so much to gain, how hard can this be?” Well, I am currently in and out of complete sadness. I feel super alone and isolated from society. Finding a job has been hard, making friends even harder. I keep telling myself that I should stick it out until the end of summer but to be honest I don’t think I can make it that long but I will try, we must always try. Some days are better than others, I won’t lie. Today is one of the sadder days. I’ve been a very independent lady for as long as I can remember but that independency, I’ve learned can only last for so long. I crave nights where I can have people over and cook for them. Nights where I can sit on the couch with my roommates or friends and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Days where after work, I meet my friends for happy hour and then we part our ways into different subway lines. Head to the museums on saturdays and sundays just to waste time.  

Now, I don’t want to come off as Miss. Debby Depressed over here, there have been positive experiences as well. For one, I am close to family I’ve only visited from time to time throughout my life. I have bonded with them on a level I would have never been able to if I had not made the move in the first place. They appreciate me and look up to me as I do them. My grandfather isn’t doing well at the moment unfortunately. But these past few days I’ve been by his side, watching him battle his old age and have seen him miss my grandmother with such despair. They were married for 59 years and for the first time in his long life he has had to live without her by his side. I think his solitude has finally caught up to him. He told me a few weeks ago, when he was still doing fine, how much he loves her and misses her. He fell ill later that week. I’ve been blessed enough to care for him in these past several days. Massaging his feet and helping him take a few steps here and there. Although now he can no longer hold himself up. I’ve pushed him in what used to be my grandmother’s wheelchair, around his ranch. Showing him the cows and bulls he used to care for and showing him everything he has created for his family. I won’t forget the moment when we were heading back inside his house, my aunt and I had just finished helping him walk around a little bit. As I was sitting him down I looked up at him and I saw his eyes light up and jaw drop, I knew exactly who he had seen. I asked him where she was, grandma, and he said “she’s over there looking at us.” I wanted to die in that moment. Die of pure bliss because I know how happy she must have been seeing him outside getting fresh air. When I’m laying in bed with him he holds my hand tightly, squeezing it from time to time. I’m so happy I’m here sharing these last moments of his life with him. Something I was unable to fully do with my grandmother.

I know how to drive manual shift now. Thanks to a few people. Shout out to my uncle Serafin, cousins Felipe and Alejandra, as well as my friend Temo. They all had a part in teaching me how to drive stick shift in a short week when I first arrived. When I go back to the states, I’ll be buying myself a manual car. It’s like you are actually DRIVING the thing!! That’s been the most fun for sure, driving in my stick shift car around this insecure little pueblo named Celaya or as the locals like to call it “Cela-York”. Its an insecure town because there is a lot of theft here, there is also lots of killings going around, human abductions and the list can go on. My first week here my car stereo was stolen, no joke. But at least they left me with the battery and wheels. Right?

Before I moved here, I was in contact with a friend that lives here. I met him seven years ago when I came to visit for the first time in a long time. We’ve always had an amazing connection and I’ve always held him close to my heart for as long as I can remember. I thought maybe this could be something. But just as fast as that thought came to my mind, he just as quickly shattered it. I’m a stupid girl that thinks with her heart instead of her head. I expect the love I give to others to be returned to me just the same. But it doesn’t work that way. Not everyone is going to love you the same way, not everyone is going to meet your expectations and that’s ok. I know my intentions are pure and from the heart. I now know what I am capable of being in love and that’s so important. But I need to be true to myself and I know what I want out of a partner and what is important to me in this life and that’s family. I want to have my own family one day, I want to have kids and raise them and watch them grow into the humans I helped mold. I don’t care if that’s narcissistic of me, whatever. I can’t make someone who doesn’t want that out of life to change and want it too because I want them to. Respect is a two way street, you get what you give out. I know he loves me and cares for me but he will never make me happy or give me what I want. Forgetting him will be hard because I really thought for a hot second “this is my husband” I’m so naive. Fuck.

As of right now I'm not sure how long I will be here in Mexico. But I do know that from this day out I will be making the most of my time here, because not everyone gets an opportunity to live in another country for a extended period of time, I'm a lucky one. The amount that I have grown spiritually as well as mentally are two things I have gained from this experience and it will be with me forever.

My grandfather Evelio Melesio Montoya on his 89th birthday, with my Aunt Irma. 

My grandfather Evelio Melesio Montoya on his 89th birthday, with my Aunt Irma.